The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
