I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
