My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
