If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
