I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
