mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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