if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
