I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize