The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
