i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
