I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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