Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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