no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize