wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
