I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she pinky promised me she was 18
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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