she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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