You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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