I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
