matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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