Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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