Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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