i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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