The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
