Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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