i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
