That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
