i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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