The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
