I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
