i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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