he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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