I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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