Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
