When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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