i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
