It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
