Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
