Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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