I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
