my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
