Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
