I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
