I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
