I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
