I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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