Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
