omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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