very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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