Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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