Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
