I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
