I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
