Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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