I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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