She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
